Aku adalah tanaman rambat yang melilit di pagar rumahmu. Ibuku rumput liar dan ayahku dandelion. Setiap malam aku merindu ranting-ranting kokoh yang diam-diam membelaiku, memperkenalkan aku pada ruangan tanpa batas antara mimpi dan kenyataan. Setiap saat dibawanya aku pada dunia penuh cermin tanpa kita harus bercermin. Cukup diperkenalkannya aku pada keindahan-keindahan lampu yang meredup di akhir tahun dengan setiap kecupan pertamanya. Aku dibuainya begitu lembut, oleh rangkaian puisi-puisi yang disenandungkannya diam-diam untukku setiap malam menjelang tidur. Tanpa perlu berkata-kata, kami saling tahu betapa kami merindu satu sama lain. Kami meniupkan kecupan tiap malam tanpa harus bertatap, karena hati kami saling terikat diantara mimpi-mimpi yang pernah kami rangkai. Kami memunguti mutiara dan menjadikannya bola mata kami. Bersama bias terangnya kami saling memeluk. Melihat keanggunan realitas khayal masa-masa itu, berjuta-juta detik yang lalu.

Kau lucu sekali... Kau sangka semudah itukah aku?
Nyatanya semua pikiran yang diciptakan manusia adalah indah kala kulihat dengan kaca mata yang aku kenakan
Aku percaya kaca mata ini dapat mengukir kedamaian
Ah, seandainya saja semua orang seperti aku
Berakhirlah semua perdebatan-perdebatan omong kosong
Seperti botol wine kosong bertabrakan dengan tong

Bunyinya mengagetkanku, menyadarkanku bahwa ternyata aku berdiri cukup tegak
Ternyata gubug derita yang kubangun berdiri cukup kokoh

Sudah berapa langkah lagi aku tertinggal? Sementara hasratku telah tersoak-soak tertinggal di belakang. Ah bodohnya bodoh yang paling bodoh ketika kau lupa akan kekuatan sendiri. Sehingga perlahan ia tersapu olah penjara pikiran dan mulai kehilangan kegilaannya...

Dan panas hati, sedih pikiran, jatuh mental kala aku melihat rival-rival telah bersalin karya-karyanya lagi dan lagi. Aku masih tertinggal di titik nol.

Aku terperrangkap, ditakut-takuti oleh ketakutanku yang paling besar. Adalah menjadi bukan siapa-siapa di tengah tengah gemulai makhluk-makhluk indah. Sementara mantera-mantera kata betebaran di mana-mana, tak satupun aku tangkap dan kusimpan di pagina-pagina elektronik ini. Bodoh ini bodohnya siapa?

Aku butuh kamus.
Aku butuh kartu anggota perpustakaanku yang mereka rampas dengan paksa ketika aku lulus.
Aku butuh laptop baru yang bisa melekat pada jari-jemariku.
Aku butuh lebih banyak membaca dan belajar lagi.
Aku butuh mengenal diriku sendiri, lebih lekat lagi!

The opening voice-over of Trainspotting the movie has been pasted in my mind for quite a while now. I still remember how it felt when I was mesmerized by the way that film's subtleness depicted its beauty. Transpotting as a beauty? For me, yes. The beauty of rebelling toward the so-called conventional system, and the beauty of coming-of phase in every man's life. I am really into that kindda stuff, that is sort of like my lifetime thesis.

This is what I've been doing whole my life. I choose. I am here now because I've made tons of decisions. I decided to major in the language class and ended up graduated from English Studies UI with quite a satisfaction. I decided to express my sadness and anger positively by singing. And I decided to teach, to share whatever I can share with others, because I have an urge to do so.

And here I am now, wondering around through mazes of choices. And I simply can't choose anything. I am, once again, in a state of complete blindness, mentally impaired, having to not knowing what I should do with my life. I thought I had been doing what I wanted to do, teaching, singing, writing, etcetera. But then again, I always confused along the way without achieving he best of whatever I've been doing. I feel like I am such a failure sometimes.

I really don't know what to do with my life at this moment. I am bored. I am confused. I choose not to move. I choose stagnancy. I need time to figure out my pace in life. Just for now, hopefully... I if I hate to be like this forever. I used to be the alpha girl in my society, I used to be the matador in the dusty field. Now, I am simply just a clueless girl in anothe life's maze...

that I would be good even if I did nothing
that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that I would be great if I was no longer queen
that I would be grand if I was not all knowing

that I would be loved even when I numb myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy

that I would be good even if I lost sanity
that I would be good
whether with or without you

That I would be Good - Alanis Morissette